Clouds have cleared, sun is shining, fruit is blossoming on the vine

Resources (from "365 Tao" #119 for Northern Hemisphere)

          Use a mirror in difficult times:

          You will see both cause and resolution.

When faced with adversity, you must ask whether you have done anything to bring misfortune upon yourself. If the present difficulties are the unforeseen outcome of events that you yourself set in motion, then it is necessary both to learn from your mistakes and to search for any possible way to correct it. If the difficulties are due to character flaws, then the solution should be resolved, and the basic fault must afterwards be eradicated.

     The wonderful part of all this is that the resources for resolving our problems are also within us. When we watch athletes in competition and they outperform even their own high standards, we often say that they reached deep down and were able to give something extraordinary. When we are in the midst of our own confrontations, we must be the same way. We need to reach deep within and use the utmost of our abilities to overcome our obstacles. This is one manifestation of our continuing efforts at self-development.

     When confronted with problems, we have all the more power to respond. When we triumph, we have even more confidence and facility to handle future problems. Therefore, meet life head-on. Maintain your self-cultivation, move forth to confront difficulties, and accumulate the momentum that success will give you.

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The past few days have been a difficult transition but today I feel the cloud of worry & doubt lifting. I'm sitting at my desk looking outside at the sunshine and Simpsons clouds drifting by and realize how fortunate I am.

A little inspiration from Bob Marley - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mACqcZZwG0k

          Rise up this mornin'; smiled with the risin' sun.
          Three little birds pitch by my doorstep
          Singin' sweet songs of melodies pure and true; sayin',

          "This is my message to you-ou-ou."

I had a breakthrough at my most recent session, or rather in preparation for it. I'd stayed home from work and was feeling pretty down but somehow when I stepped into the shower to get ready, a wave of relief came over me. I said to myself out-loud that things were going to get better and easier. I have so many talents, skills, knowledge, experiences, insight, wisdom, beliefs, motivations, gifts to give and receive. I have so many people that care about me and want me to be happy and I am so thankful for them.

The reading from 365 Tao seems almost prescient to how I'm feeling today. I just wanna hug those that have stood by me through this tough time. I also know that the mind is a powerful thing and is where this sense of well-being is coming from. I feel stronger each day and feel good about the steps I have taken to confront my issues and feel confident that the proactivity will translate into other areas of my life.

I'm especially excited to resume making music with my friend Cheryl. Her moving here to Portland comes at a good time. I just bought a new mic from Trade Up Music on SE Division (one of my favorite music stores) and surprisingly, I found a boom mic stand at Best Buy (I know, go figure; it's like a mini-Guitar Center inside the Cedar Hills store). I've been experimenting with different sounds on the MicroKorg with the tracks that I have from way back on the VS 880. Stay tuned for the output of the sessions & demos. You might even see me out there (in Portland, that is) at an open mic night. This was recorded for a friend but it's me doing a Beck cover with apropos lyrics.

Anyway,  enough said :)

how about something funny? .... I could watch this over and over..

Dramatic chipmunk - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw 

Have a great day!

Hmm... Bumpy second day

          I only wish to see the day

          But to predict, I cannot say

          When clouds will rise and sun will shine

          When fruits will blossom on the vine

Well, I'm off to a bumpy second day on the meds. Since I took the 50mg dose this morning I've been feeling really jittery. I can't quite put my finger on what it feels like but I feel kind of short of breath. I feel like I've had too much caffeine. I was warned of this possibility, I'm just not sure what to do about it. Ride it out and contact my doctor on Monday.

I don't feel good like I did yesterday and it worries me. Maybe I was being overly optimistic in my "Things are getting better already..." post yesterday. I know it actually takes awhile for the effect to really kick in. I don't know what I expected and I know I shouldn't be discouraged but it's been a tough day. I'm tired but too anxious to take a nap but I don't have the energy to do much.

Currently I'm just sitting here on the couch and seeing if things mellow out; it's been like 8 hours since I took the 1/2 pill. I started a bunch of posts based on the "365 Tao" book that I've used for previous posts but am lacking the words to riff off of them right now. The headings are Nonanticipation 112, Acceptance 113, Beginning 1, Healing 11 and each of them resonates on different levels but I'm not ready to put my thoughts down; maybe later.

Today I'm feeling very uncertain about my treatment. I understand there can be ups and downs, crests and troughs. I feel like I'm in a trough right now. My outing tomorrow seems like a ways off and I've got a lot of time between now and then to think and try to get out of this funk.


update: It's 3:15am -gawdamit i only got four hours and now I'm wide fucking awake! this is gonna be a lot tougher than I thought. :(

Things are getting better already...

I started on antidepressants today. I'm starting with Sertraline HCL, which is the generic version of Zoloft. My doctor prescribed 100MG daily doses but for the first week I'm only taking 50MGs per day. I think I'm already feeling its positive effects. Despite a wicked knot across my shoulder and neck, likely due to sleeping on the couch with crappy pillows, I'm feeling pretty good. I can't discount the placebo effect though. I'm hopeful that if a 1/2 dosage is having this effect, a full dosage will surely provide the relief that I'm looking for.

This morning I was feeling less than stellar and anxious about my doctor's appointments today. In my search to find a physician to prescribe the antidepressants, I kept running into one of two things: (a) the doctors weren't accepting new patients, or (b) they required that I go under their care for both psychotherapy as well as psychiatry. While I am not opposed to going that route, I also feel I've built a comfortable rapport with my counselor in just a few visits and was a little reluctant to "start over". I know that sometimes with this kind of care and treatment you might have to try more than one therapist to find someone you feel comfortable with and that provides the kind of feedback that is compatible with your personality. I was feeling a little discouraged by the process. In fact, the screeners at Aetna weren't quite of the caliber as the folks I spoke with at United Behavioral Health. The people I spoke to had a quality in their voice that just oozed "I don't really give a fuck." The way they read the names and phones numbers back annoyed me. When I asked to repeat the names or numbers, they read them back quickly again. The first person I spoke with rattled off 3 names all with the same phone number, obviously a clinic. I was feeling a little shy so I just accepted those as fine even though I should have spoken up and said that I wanted more variety.

I left a message for "new patient" person to return my call last week, Tuesday I think. I never heard back from her. I called back and left a second message finally, Wednesday. She called back that day saying she'd remembered my name but that I must have garbled the phone number or she wrote it down wrong. Then she informed me that the clinic required me to seek counselor through their office to qualify for the antidepressant treatment. I took a shot and contact my primary physician and met briefly with him today. I left his office with a prescription en-route electronically to my local Rite Aid, a relief.

I had a pretty good session with my counselor this afternoon. I felt the emotion lurk just below the surface when certain topics came up but I held it together as best I could. I just meandered around a variety of topics about my immediate concerns, worries, etc. We still haven't even delved into the family stuff. Overall it wasn't a bad session but I know better that I need to lead the discussions. When I wait for her feedback she doesn't have a ton to offer but I realize she's there to help me in my discovery. I tried hard to not be selective or omissive although it's one of the challenges I face with getting treatment. It's tough for us smart people :)

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I'm looking forward to my date with M on Sunday. We're going to dinner at a fancy restaurant. I'm not sure if I'll get dressy or what, probably something nicer than jeans and t-shirt (I'm being facetious). I might even check with M to see what she's wearing. I imagine some dark pants and button-up shirt will be appropriate and look good. I feel comfortable in that kind of outfit and know I can look pretty good when I want to.

I went to see a show last week with her and her friends at the Roseland. A couple months ago she miraculously had a sizable bill forgiven by the payee. As a result she was inspired to pay-it-forward and treat her friends and family to whatever happens to come up. She took a group of people to see Conan O'Brien in Eugene for his The Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour. She also got tickets for a group of friends to see DeVotchKa.

She would not take cash for the ticket so I offered to make her dinner or take her somewhere. She responded, opting for dinner out somewhere. A couple of years ago when we were hanging out (briefly), we talked about going to Clyde's on NE Sandy; Prime Rib, wine, intimate booths, castle-theme with suits of armor. So that's where we're going. I made reservations already.

Dream: Worn tires on my truck

The details of this dream are rather vague but I wanted to capture what snippets I could.

Tires on my truck are wearing unevenly on the front to the point that they are unsafe to drive on. 

I'm in serious need of an alignment. (I mean, my truck is.)

I remember arguing with someone about how it got so bad. The outer edges are practically smooth. The mesh layer is starting to poke through.

I'll try to add more bits as they come to me, if they come to me.

The journey, not the destination

Struggle (from "365 Tao" #130 for Northern Hemisphere)

            Life acquires meaning
            When we face the conflict
            Between our desires
            And reality.

     We all have differing personalities vying for predominance in our lives. Some come out at just the right moment. At other times, our aspirations and our fondest hopes find little support in our environment. Only a few can truly say that they are living their lives exactly according to their desires. For the majority of us, life is a series of conflicts between our inner ideas and outer constrictions. How will we test ourselves against the flexing of external circumstances?
     Goals are important. Forbearance is also important. But the very process of struggle is equally essential. Rice must undergo the hardship of pounding in order to become white. Steel must endure the forge in order to become strong. Adversity is the tempering of one's mettle. Without it, we cannot know any true meaning in our accomplishments. Of course, when things happen without struggle, it does not mean that we did not deserve it.
     A musician may compose a brilliant piece in an afternoon. An artist will dash off a masterpiece in a single sitting. A writer will write significant passages as if they were dictated. Each might say, "It happened so fast!" But in reality, it took all of them years of dedication and struggle to come to that moment of climax. Thus even the virtuoso performance is the tip of a lifetime of struggle, and the gem of meaning is set in the metal of long perseverance.

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Last night I saw Mike’s Incredible Indian Adventure at PCS's Ellyn Bye Studio at the Gerding Theater. It really struck a chord with me as it was the culmination of the writer/performer's struggle of the last 10+ years to produce a film. It was a play about a film about a play. The writer's father had been a staff writer for the The Monkees and he wanted to follow in his father's footsteps but had most of his professional experience on stage productions.

He was 38 years old, stuck in a "golden cage", a decent day job but not fulfilling his dream. He was presented with an opportunity to stage direct an adaptation of Neil Simon's They're Playing Our Song in a four city run in India. He was very skeptical but saw an opportunity to record the process, documentary-style. Although the show was well-received at first, ultimately the reviews and his interactions with a family in the upper caste in Delhi were quite negative. Some of the "key" moments behind-the-scenes were never captured on the documentarian's camera, leaving holes in his perceived "story". 

Once back in the States he continued to pursue his idea to find the "movie" in the footage. He met and interviewed many Indian-Americans, hoping to weave together a cohesive idea from over 100 hours of footage. Despite the volume of source material, he could never seem to coalesce a theme to pull it all together. Various themes did emerge but none that he felt were his "movie". 

After over ten years of trying and ultimately settling back into the 9-5, he was left with the footage but not idea.... until he began to put together this performance. At the end of the performance, these 100s of tapes that he'd stacked high on the stage came crashing to the floor and he was left kind of where he started. There was a moment of clarity that all was not lost, the source material had found a vehicle, this play. There was even a broadcast quality video camera which was pointing at the stage and the images it captured shown on a large screen.. a kind of infinity.. the play inside the movie, inside the play, inside the movie, etc. The theme: it's the journey, not the destination.

The fact that the writer/performer had started the journey we were witnessing unfold when he was 38 was poignant, me being the same age now. He referenced Orson Welles who had directed Citizen Kane at age 24, reflecting that he felt he was passed his prime.

I feel like I'm in a similar place in life, witnessing but not exactly participating in the life I want. I look back at the things I've created (music, films, acting, writing) and am proud of what I've done but feel like I've somehow missed my chance. I greatly admire David Lynch and his career, having done his first feature-length film Eraserhead while at the American Film Institute at age 26, and Nigel Godrich, who engineered Radiohead's quintessential album OK Computer at age 26. Both have since become two of my generation's greatest producers, David in film, Nigel in music. 

Upon reflection I know that the things I've done are plot points along my journey through life. Each step brings me forward, perhaps toward a destination somewhere beyond, perhaps not, time will tell. Where I'm at now is certainly not it. As I wrote before, I'm proud of the accomplishments I've made in my career and am glad I persevered when others told me to "try something else". Recently I was granted another nice raise in salary and get validation that I'm still on the right track. 

I really do want to write and direct a film someday. I feel my background in many disciplines is all preparation for the opportunity that has yet to manifest. I also know you have to work at it and actively pursue your goal but as it says above it takes "years of dedication and struggle to come to that moment of climax."

I also recall at show I saw at the Portland Art Museum featuring the works of Grandma Moses who really didn't achieve much commercial success until about age 85. 

Not that commercial success necessarily equates actual achievement, I remember seeing a performance/lecture by my friend Andrew Dickson during PICA TBA'07 (who I met in 2003 while we were involved in the Modern Zoo art exhibition; he, an artist, me, a volunteer) called Sell Out. He talks about the mentality of DIY artists who claim to not want to sell out and stay true to their craft and to keep it real. In reality, we (artists) do want the chance to be recognized on broader scale, to reach audience far beyond our own backyard and to ultimately get paid for our lifetime of struggle.

I know this post is meandering a bit.. so I'll get back to the present struggle I'm facing.

I feel I've reached another crossroad of sorts. I have a lot of great tools for creativity at my fingertips but somehow inert to move forward. I can't help think that my current state of mind is related to this lack of will, lack of ideas. My focus has shifted to things I cannot control and I feel powerless. Inherently I know my ideas and my creative energy is all that I can control, and that I'm only momentarily clouded by my intense yearning to share my life with someone. I want to get back that vitality that drew us together in the first place.

Thus far I've not been successful to find a doctor to prescribe the antidepressants that will help me out of this state of loneliness and fear of what may or may not happen in my personal life. Today I did make an appointment with my primary doctor for this Friday; I have another session with my counselor as well.

Some days are better than others. I was pleased to make contact with an old friend who just moved to Portland. We did music together in San Diego and she knows well about struggle and perseverance. I'm also inspired by a friend and her writing, both journaling and creative work. 

I'm hopeful that positive change is coming soon and I'll find my voice once again. Stay tuned!

Reflections on the past couple of days

Reciprocity (from "365 Tao" #103 for Northern Hemisphere)

            Hands grasp, but also give,
            Mouth tastes, but also speaks,
            Nose breathes, but also smells.
            Eyes see, but also show
            Ears hear, but also balance.


     The hands teach use not to be selfish.
     The mouth teaches us to give thanks in word and song.
     The nose teaches us to learn from our environment.
     The eyes teach us to show compassion and sincerity.
     The ears teach us how to keep our balance.
     All parts of ourselves both give and receive. They function on a principle of reciprocity inherent in their very character. If our senses are so noble, shouldn't we be as well?
     The eyes of a dedicated person show an inner fortitude and charisma that the eyes of the ordinary do not. Scientifically, we know that an eye is an eye, a mere organ, yet experientially we know that the eyes are virtual windows to the soul. For us to achieve similar depth of character, we must live according to the inherent nobility of our natures. Each one of our senses is not simply an information-gathering faculty but is a channel of expression as well.

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I just started reading Jim Butcher's first book in the Dresden Files, Storm Front. The idea of eyes being windows to the soul is especially important; when two people look into each others eyes there is a kind of sharing that takes place on a deep level.

I've always been kind of shy and had difficulty making eye contact with people in some situations. It surprises me when I do because it really does seem to bridge a gap of some kind, on a level that preceeds intellect and reason.

I wrote about it in the previous post but I'm talking more than just meeting new people. It's the face-to-face connection that you don't get when communicating electronically. Body language is key to understanding where a person is coming from and making sure you are understood as well.

Don't get me wrong, there are certain occasions where it's good to be able to take the time to craft a written response and not have the pressure of trying to remember all the things you want to say on the spot but in the end, there are levels of communication that happen on wavelengths we (humans) may not fully understand. Language is linear and limited in many ways. There is something really special about being with someone, in each other's presence, that can make words unnecessary.

I recall some special moments like just sitting on a log, staring toward the horizon and the river, feeling the other person's aura and not feeling the need to fill the silence with words. The shared space spoke volumes. When words are forgotten, the feeling persists and grows stronger. I really believe in intuition and knowing things in your heart. Some people refer to it as "gut feeling". Maybe it's somewhere in between. I'm not sure if this relates to the different Chakras.

Heart Chakra

Sense: Sense of touch, in its aspect of relating to the person inside the body, and distinct from the sensation of the Orange Chakra, which is more about the sensation one feels from their own body. Hugging, therefore, is a Heart Chakra activity. When one hugs, one is aware of what the person inside the other body feels, and they are aware of what you feel inside your body, and there is a sense of relating to the person inside the body. Sensitivity about being touched indicates heart chakra sensitivity.

Consciousness: Perceptions of love, relationships (relating) with people close to your heart, e.g. partner, siblings, parents, children. Difficulty with breathing, or with the lungs, the organs of air, indicates tension in the Heart Chakra. A person's relationship with air reflects their relationship with love.

Solar Plexus Chakra

Sense: Eyesight

Consciousness: Parts of the consciousness associated with this chakra include perceptions concerned with power, control, freedom, the ease with which one is able to be themselves - ease of being. Mental activity and the mental body is also associated with this chakra. The solar plexus chakra is also associated with the level of being we call the personality, or ego.

The relationship a person has with fire, or the sun, can be seen to have its parallels in the person’s relationship with the parts of their consciousness that this chakra represents.  Someone sensitive about the sun, then, can be seen to have particular sensitivities about power, or control, or freedom.

Orange Chakra

Sense:  Sense of taste, appetite

Consciousness: This chakra is associated with the parts of the consciousness concerned with food and sex. It is about the body's communication to the Being inside, about what the body wants and needs, and what it finds pleasurable. The person's ability to have children is also associated with this chakra. If there is not a clear relationship with the element of water, associated with this chakra, the person's relationship with water is a reflection of their relationship with the parts of their consciousness associated with this chakra, i.e. food, sex, or having children.

This chakra is also associated with the emotional body, and the person's willingness to feel their emotions.

Again, I feel there is a connection but for now I'd rather not analyze and try to figure it out.. I just feels like it makes sense.

I haven't started on the antidepressants but I have taken another step forward and contacted a psychiatrist's office to make an appointment. My counselor is on vacation for 10 days but I feel okay about things. I feel less alone and the people that really matter are there for me and I do "feel it". It gives me a sense of security.

I'm very proud of myself for my recent culinary adventures (yes, I did say 'adventures'). Not that the food I'm making is exotic or unique but I feel like I'm emerging from my shell and taking steps forward in that area as well. I am still timid in the kitchen but the Slow Cooked Salsa Chicken came out really well as did my "home made" whole wheat bread. I ended up getting my own Bread Maker at Fred Meyer's. Afterwards I went to a New Season's near my house but really didn't know my way around. I searched all the aisles for the ingredients I needed but ultimately came up short with the yeast and Italian herbs (what the hell, shouldn't that stuff be in the same area as the Baking stuff [dry yeast] and maybe salad dressing [Italian herbs]. (A friend's comment that it was funny and cute made me feel really good inside. I'll get there.) I know, I know: I could have asked a clerk but I had the rest of the stuff I needed so I opted to get a pre-packaged bread "kit". It already had the flour, whole grains, sugar, salt and a packet of yeast inside.. All I needed was canola oil which I did manage to find on my own :). 

I threw the chicken, corn, black beans and jar of salsa into the slow cooker and set it on Low. Then started on the bread; I poured the lukewarm water and oil into the bottom of the bread maker, then added the flour mixture and made an indentation into the top for the yeast. I followed the instructions for which cycle to put it on and selected Rapid over Normal speed so it'd be done in a 2 1/2 hrs rather than 3 1/2, not that it mattered much. Per the instructions I checked the dough during kneading cycle to make sure it had the right consistency, then left it alone and let it do its "thang".

I ran out to do some errands. When I got back, the house smelled good.. I checked the salsa chicken and the bread.. holy crap.. I was making stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was planning to put everything in containers for lunch but couldn't help the urge to taste what I'd made.  I sliced the bread and was pleased .. it freaking looked like a store bought loaf. Then, ladled the Salsa Chicken into a large glass bowl to cool down before putting into my plastic containers. I made a plate for myself and was so happy.. it actually tasted good.. pat myself on the back. I even let Tangie try some of the chicken.. (I made sure to put his bites in my mouth first to cool it off and remove the tangy salsa so he just got the chicken with out the spiciness.) 

After about 10-15 mins of cooling, I filled my Tupperware with my newly made items and put them in fridge. 

The next day at work, at lunch I got everything out and made a plate for myself. A few people came in and oohh and awwwed how it looked and smelled really good. I told them I didn't know what the deuce I was doing but was glad it turned out okay. A couple of them told me their favorite slow cooker dishes and breads they'd made, offering to share the recipes.

I usually get bored with food I've made for myself but today, I finished off the rest of the salsa chicken.. this time I added fresh avocado and sliced pineapple.. that made it ever better! And had another slice of bread to go with it.

I'm proud as heck of myself and am gaining confidence to try new things.  Next I think I'll try Zesty Slow Cooker Chicken Barbeque or Coq au Vin. Also, want to make the Italian Herb bread.. I'll likely go to a store where I'm more familiar or at least I think I'll be less timid to ask someone if I can't find everything I need. 

Anyway, I must end this post. I've got a concert to get to. C-ya.

Internal rhythms

This week has been okay but I'm still struggling a bit with my emotions. I was able to get back into the routine of work that was somewhat disrupted last week by my unscheduled time off; probably too much time at home away from people. Needing human contact but feeling guilty that I needed to spend as much time as I could with my cat who I seriously thought I was going to have to put to sleep (gulp) this week.

I had two sessions with my counselor this week. It's hard for me to articulate what exactly is bubbling to the surface sometimes. I feel like there are two parts of me in constant conflict with each other, the rational side and the emotional side. The emotional side seems to be getting the upper hand in many cases. I don't like the feeling of sadness that wells up.

I don't feel like my Tuesday visit was all that productive. I was still on an uptick following a pretty good visit to Brawley and feeling like a had somewhat of a reprieve with my cat, his condition has improved a lot. Before I knew it, the 1hr session was over and it seemed like I was all over the place topically. It kind of deflated me a little.

The next two days were mostly okay.. but I did seem to slip back into my dark thinking.

I went to the Yonder Mountain String Band show at the Crystal Ballroom. I wasn't sure if I was going to run into B & H but I saw them in line and later inside. K & K also showed up for the show. K and B had scheduled B's bachelor party for the same weekend as Sasquatch. I know Memorial Day weekend was optimal for the occasion but I wish they'd asked if there were any conflicts and maybe done it a different weekend or at least asked me so I didn't feel like an afterthought invitee. I was kind of surprised that Bryan suggested I bail on the 3-day festival and ditch JT whom I've known for about 20 yrs. I told him "you know I can't do that" (a little annoyed).

Seeing the band just wasn't the same as going to String Summit in the summertime. I kind of didn't want to be there but the rational side was pushing me to get out and do things. I know it will get easier with time. I've been feeling very isolated and always struggled with the feeling that I can't connect with people. I feel like I immerse myself in all sorts of cool things and have lots of great hobbies and interests but it rarely translates into friendships or more.

Anyway, back at the Crystal Ballroom: I was standing on the non-bar side of the room next to the partition, grooving a little, trying my best to get into the vibe of the place. I made eye contact with this girl who was standing on the bar-side next to the partition. She held her gaze for more than a couple "beats". I looked up and smiled a little then we both looked away. After awhile she moved into the crowd and I didn't think much about it. Toward the end of the 2nd set, I noticed her crossing to the non-bar side with someone. As she passed me, the grab my arm and squeezed it firmly then continued walking toward the stairs, leaving the show. It caught me off guard; it made me feel good.. it was a random connection with someone, albeit brief. I turned to look but she kept walking with her friend. It made me realize that I'm not as isolated as I think I am sometimes. I just need to be receptive and aware of more subtlety.

A couple of weeks ago, I was at the big Portland2010 opening at the Templeton building. I'd gone there with PM and while he was schmoozing I went to get a drink. I ran into BS who gave me a bunch of drink tickets. This cute girl walked by and said hello to him; they knew each other; they talked business for a second (something about sending the proofs over). When BS left she started flirting with me a bit, asking what I did for Disjecta and how long I'd known him. It was sort of a pseudo-celebrity moment I thought to myself. Then, one of the exhibiting artists (JN) came up and said hello. I was pretty stoked.. two cute chicks were chatting ME up! I didn't immediately recognize JN but had met her at a Disjecta thing about a month earlier.. it was nice to be recognized. Anyway, I kind of blew it with the first girl by not trying to talk to her more but I enjoyed the flirting. I was a little embarrassed that her name had escaped me not long after we met. I was trying to find BS so he could refresh my memory.

Anyway, these two occasions came up today in my session. I sometimes forget that I'm a pretty kick ass dude. I just need to be less shy.. not an ass.. but more confident because it works to bridge the gap. I've struggled with being shy for a long time. (I remember going to high school dances with my friend Curt. we were WAY TOO COOL to actually go in but were compelled to make an appearance outside the school gym.) But back to the last two occasions where I had positive interactions with cute girls; it's a start. I really do want the deeper connection but I also just want to feel like I can enjoy myself and not be so myopic about things.

I did get rather emotional again at today's session.. there were moments that I could barely get the words out. My counselor said at one point "you feel alone, don't you?" That was tough to hear and acknowledge. I just nodded "yes" and struggled to keep my composure. She said that I was exhibiting the signs of major depression. Those were tough words to hear but also a relief to have someone besides my mom say it out loud. She recommended I seek a psychiatrist and look into going on some kind of antidepressant. Part of me wanted to handle things my own way and I thought psychotherapy would be enough but I think some meds will go a long way to making the lows less severe and allow me to enjoy the things I do more. I need a little jumpstart.

I just had my last consultation with my advisor from the Mayo Clinic.. a lifestyle coach.. he was basically just some guy in the midwest who I committed to verbally to make some improvements to my diet, exercise and general well-being. I had some rough spots but I think the most important change has been to be proactive about the things that "ail" me. I have improved my diet and cut out a lot of crap. I've lost some weight, am eating more fruits and vegetables. I brought my first Crock pot and made taco soup! I'm actively going to the dentist after not going for a long time. And most importantly, I'm seeing the counselor to help me adjust and cope with my emotional challenges and depression.

I want to find the silver lining and try to view these changes are growing pains and another transition. My blog post entitled "My journey of growth" is really a testament to my ability to forge my own way and blaze a few trails.

I told a good friend not too long ago "I think I forget sometimes or that I can change something instead of embracing it" It's tough being me sometimes but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm proud that I don't fit into a mold and that I have such breadth and depth. I know things will work out in the end.. it's just tough sometimes.

Earthquakes

This past Sunday April 4, 2010 (Easter) I went through a 7.2 earthquake in Brawley, CA. Actually I think the intensity for where we were was about 6.0. It was the rolling kind of earthquake, loud like train. It was a long one too, about a minute.

I'd had lunch and was down at my cousin's place on the couch dozing off. Next thing I remember the windows rattling really loud and I realized it was an earthquake and people outside yelling "get the kids." I know you're supposed to hide under a doorway or other solid structure. I was about 6 feet from a door to the outside and was near lots of windows. There was only one kid inside and she bolted to her mom. I followed and stood with everyone on the grass, away from the house. 

For another 30-40 seconds the ground moved in waves. It felt like I was standing on a water bed and someone was jumping on it next to me making the water inside slosh around. The large windows in the inner courtyard were flexing and moving strangely. It was loud, like a train going by, the wind seemed to gust suddenly too. Eventually it stopped but we stayed outside for awhile.

Cellphones began to ring. Some people were still at the other house and were calling to see if we were alright. We walked out front and saw my cousin driving toward us. Relieved everyone was okay, we starting comparing our experiences and what it felt like.

We listened to some AM station on the car radio, trying to get any information. I was surprised to hear someone call in from Ocean Beach who had felt the 'quake while sitting on the boardwalk by the pier. I called and texted a few friends. While we sat out there was an aftershock we could feel when sitting but not standing. Definitely a strange sensation.

I've been in a couple other smaller earthquakes but there's one bigger one that stands out in my memory. 

In May 25, 1980 I went through a 6.2 earthquake at Mammoth Mountain. It was not long after the Mt St Helen's eruption which jolted the San Andreas fault, actually one week.

I was on a ski trip with my parents and aunt, uncle and cousin. We were at the back of a huge line-up of people waiting to get onto the gondola from the main lodge to the halfway house. The earthquake hit and this huge crowd began to panic and rush toward the narrow entrance. I remember my uncle and step-dad yell at this crowd to slow down and stop running because there were small children at the back, my cousin and me. We could have been trampled under 100 or more pairs of ski boots. (Scary to think about.) It was dark inside because the power was out.

Once outside I recall chairlift operator and ski patrol having to rescue people from the chairlifts by throwing ropes over the cable and having the riders climb down, sans skis and boots. I don't remember much else, I don't recall worrying about aftershocks so I think we drove home that afternoon.

(draft; to be continued)

The saga continues...

(~8:30a 4/2) I'm in the midst of an emotional moment but I'll try to write out my thoughts.

Update (1:15p 4/2): I'm at work now, spending the last few minutes of my lunch break to do some editing and add more.

Another Update (7:30p 4/2): I picked Tangie up from the vet and good news.. he passed solids all by himself. This is great news. The doctor gave him a good bill of health and hazarded that he should be good for awhile, provided I keep up with the meds. I am SO relieved.. I feel like huge weight is off my shoulder and/or chest.

I woke up around 3:30am and some lights were still on. I'd fallen asleep on the couch again, just as I have so many nights this week. It was cold in the house. For a second I rolled over and adjusted my blanket, reluctant to be awake again only having slept for 3 1/2 hours. I swung my legs to the side of the couch and sat up. I stayed there for a few mins, trying to breathe it out. Tangie stretched, looked up at me and meowed.. Even his toes stretched.. I picked him, took him upstairs and set him down on the landing so he could drink some water. I turned off the lights in my office and crawled into bed. It was dark but there was enough light from the street lamp to see my room. I was too tired to do anything like read or write or even watch more comedy, but too alert to fall asleep. I dozed off but only for 30 mins or so at a time. I kept doing this until somehow I made it to 7 o'clock. Tangie was on my right side and Angie on my left, both under the covers.

I'm still struggling with things. I'm trying my best to be strong and make the right choices but it almost feels like too much. Being this sensitive is hard.. I'm glad I'm not a robot or indifferent but I wish I could be more resilient and had better coping skills.

I don't feel like I've accomplished a damn thing this week. I took Monday and Tuesday off from work and basically just sat on the couch all day watching Mythbusters and comedy on Netflix. I was able to spend a lot of time with Tangie as he stayed by my side nearly the whole time. I was fortunate to have Elle come over on Tuesday. We went for tea downtown (and I had a crumpet). We had a candid conversation afterwards. On Wednesday I tried to muster the courage to go into work but it was hard.. I was really unfocused. I had a 12 noon counseling appointment and came home right afterwards.

Yesterday, I had a dentist appointment. My face was numb afterwards. I met Elle at a coffee shop, then we got some good Mexican food (as well as a mini-cupcake).. I actually had an appetite! Yay! My appetite has been kind of screwy lately. I did get a bunch of stuff from Elephant's deli last weekend and it's been sustaining me but I'm running low again on food supplies. (I also, on a whim, got the ingredients for s'mores.) Lately I've only been able to eat a banana or two and an orange. I've also been getting sandwiches and forcing myself to eat.

I'm paralyzed to doing anything lest I make the wrong choice. Part of me knows what the right thing to do is but still I can't come to grips with Tangie's impending passing. I know I'm not the only one who has, is and will struggle with this. My counselor suggested I join a support group at Dove Lewis for people who have lost pets. I'm willing to try anything.

I'm sick inside about having to take Tangie in again for a enema. I know he hasn't passed any solids since Monday.. I was really, really, really hoping to see some movement in the last 24 hrs but nothing.

When I got there, the technician took my information and had me sign a form to keep him for the day. I asked if I could have a moment with Tangie. She said of course and closed the doors to give me privacy. Tangie was meowing nervously. I just sat there and cried. I heard a knock on the door and the doctor came in. She said she didn't think I was making the right choice. She explained that since his last "cleaning" it can take awhile for things to build up to the point where Tangie would resume taking care of business on his own. I was just worried about his comfort while I was away. She said she'd just monitor him today. As I was driving away, I got a call from the vet's office asking me to bring his medications back. They thought I was dropping him off for the weekend. I told her that I was hoping for him to be at home. She said she'd misunderstood me and told me she wanted to keep him the whole day. She sounded a bit reluctant but I just don't want him to be stuck in a sterile metal box for 3+ days.

I came to work, hoping to keep busy and my mind focused on other things. I can't help but want to flesh out this blog post while I'm not "in the moment" as I was earlier.

(this is rough draft - still in progress)

Rising balloon

"Breathe, Larry, breathe." I tell myself.

Although it's been good to share my thoughts and emotions with a professional, it doesn't seem to be moving the needle where I'd like. I hope the antidepressants will improve my outlook; although I've yet to successfully reach a physician to prescribe the medications.

I know the counseling is meant to spur the forward progress and help me when things stagnate or retrograde. I do feel like I'm a making forward progress in some areas but in others I feel like I'm not making any progress, even slipping a step back. I feel caught between what I want and what options are available at this place & time. I know: this is about as basic as it gets, an age-old conundrum.

I don't wish I could see into the future because that process of discovery makes life what it is; rich, exciting, bringing a sense of wonderment. However, I wish I could sense that I was going to be okay, that the things I want are really possible.. I'm not talking about possessions. I'm referring to the things that bring real happiness, a kind of security that comes from having someone to share the journey with.

A couple of months ago I wrote down a bunch of things that I desire in (and want to be for) a partner. When I look back at the list now, it seems like such a tall order to fulfill. Cynicism has eroded my belief that these things are possible to find, at least not in one person.

"If you hang on to a rising balloon, it presents you with a difficult decision. Let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher." The problem is, a lot has been coalesced into this moment. I don't want to let go. I'm afraid of falling but I'm also worried about how I'm going to pick myself back up once I reach the ground. Plus, I'm not sure if I'll land softly or hit hard.

(breathe, Larry, breathe) 

On the other hand, I wish I had more patience and fortitude, inner strength. I realize that what I feel inside, my perception, is not always the reality that exists outside my mind. I do trust my instincts but I know they've led me astray on occasion. Breathing really does help quell those doubts, anxiety that I feel sometimes. Change is happening... I know it is.

Maybe my "list" isn't as much to ask for as I sometimes believe. There are so many factors involved; timing seems to be an important one but also chance... the kind where you proactively put yourself in situations where things could happen, you believe in serendipity, and, ultimately, you act when opportunities present themselves.

That is all I have for now.