Rising balloon

"Breathe, Larry, breathe." I tell myself.

Although it's been good to share my thoughts and emotions with a professional, it doesn't seem to be moving the needle where I'd like. I hope the antidepressants will improve my outlook; although I've yet to successfully reach a physician to prescribe the medications.

I know the counseling is meant to spur the forward progress and help me when things stagnate or retrograde. I do feel like I'm a making forward progress in some areas but in others I feel like I'm not making any progress, even slipping a step back. I feel caught between what I want and what options are available at this place & time. I know: this is about as basic as it gets, an age-old conundrum.

I don't wish I could see into the future because that process of discovery makes life what it is; rich, exciting, bringing a sense of wonderment. However, I wish I could sense that I was going to be okay, that the things I want are really possible.. I'm not talking about possessions. I'm referring to the things that bring real happiness, a kind of security that comes from having someone to share the journey with.

A couple of months ago I wrote down a bunch of things that I desire in (and want to be for) a partner. When I look back at the list now, it seems like such a tall order to fulfill. Cynicism has eroded my belief that these things are possible to find, at least not in one person.

"If you hang on to a rising balloon, it presents you with a difficult decision. Let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher." The problem is, a lot has been coalesced into this moment. I don't want to let go. I'm afraid of falling but I'm also worried about how I'm going to pick myself back up once I reach the ground. Plus, I'm not sure if I'll land softly or hit hard.

(breathe, Larry, breathe) 

On the other hand, I wish I had more patience and fortitude, inner strength. I realize that what I feel inside, my perception, is not always the reality that exists outside my mind. I do trust my instincts but I know they've led me astray on occasion. Breathing really does help quell those doubts, anxiety that I feel sometimes. Change is happening... I know it is.

Maybe my "list" isn't as much to ask for as I sometimes believe. There are so many factors involved; timing seems to be an important one but also chance... the kind where you proactively put yourself in situations where things could happen, you believe in serendipity, and, ultimately, you act when opportunities present themselves.

That is all I have for now.