Update (1:15p 4/2): I'm at work now, spending the last few minutes of my lunch break to do some editing and add more.
Another Update (7:30p 4/2): I picked Tangie up from the vet and good news.. he passed solids all by himself. This is great news. The doctor gave him a good bill of health and hazarded that he should be good for awhile, provided I keep up with the meds. I am SO relieved.. I feel like huge weight is off my shoulder and/or chest.
I woke up around 3:30am and some lights were still on. I'd fallen asleep on the couch again, just as I have so many nights this week. It was cold in the house. For a second I rolled over and adjusted my blanket, reluctant to be awake again only having slept for 3 1/2 hours. I swung my legs to the side of the couch and sat up. I stayed there for a few mins, trying to breathe it out. Tangie stretched, looked up at me and meowed.. Even his toes stretched.. I picked him, took him upstairs and set him down on the landing so he could drink some water. I turned off the lights in my office and crawled into bed. It was dark but there was enough light from the street lamp to see my room. I was too tired to do anything like read or write or even watch more comedy, but too alert to fall asleep. I dozed off but only for 30 mins or so at a time. I kept doing this until somehow I made it to 7 o'clock. Tangie was on my right side and Angie on my left, both under the covers.
I'm still struggling with things. I'm trying my best to be strong and make the right choices but it almost feels like too much. Being this sensitive is hard.. I'm glad I'm not a robot or indifferent but I wish I could be more resilient and had better coping skills.
I don't feel like I've accomplished a damn thing this week. I took Monday and Tuesday off from work and basically just sat on the couch all day watching Mythbusters and comedy on Netflix. I was able to spend a lot of time with Tangie as he stayed by my side nearly the whole time. I was fortunate to have Elle come over on Tuesday. We went for tea downtown (and I had a crumpet). We had a candid conversation afterwards. On Wednesday I tried to muster the courage to go into work but it was hard.. I was really unfocused. I had a 12 noon counseling appointment and came home right afterwards.
Yesterday, I had a dentist appointment. My face was numb afterwards. I met Elle at a coffee shop, then we got some good Mexican food (as well as a mini-cupcake).. I actually had an appetite! Yay! My appetite has been kind of screwy lately. I did get a bunch of stuff from Elephant's deli last weekend and it's been sustaining me but I'm running low again on food supplies. (I also, on a whim, got the ingredients for s'mores.) Lately I've only been able to eat a banana or two and an orange. I've also been getting sandwiches and forcing myself to eat.
I'm paralyzed to doing anything lest I make the wrong choice. Part of me knows what the right thing to do is but still I can't come to grips with Tangie's impending passing. I know I'm not the only one who has, is and will struggle with this. My counselor suggested I join a support group at Dove Lewis for people who have lost pets. I'm willing to try anything.
I'm sick inside about having to take Tangie in again for a enema. I know he hasn't passed any solids since Monday.. I was really, really, really hoping to see some movement in the last 24 hrs but nothing.
When I got there, the technician took my information and had me sign a form to keep him for the day. I asked if I could have a moment with Tangie. She said of course and closed the doors to give me privacy. Tangie was meowing nervously. I just sat there and cried. I heard a knock on the door and the doctor came in. She said she didn't think I was making the right choice. She explained that since his last "cleaning" it can take awhile for things to build up to the point where Tangie would resume taking care of business on his own. I was just worried about his comfort while I was away. She said she'd just monitor him today. As I was driving away, I got a call from the vet's office asking me to bring his medications back. They thought I was dropping him off for the weekend. I told her that I was hoping for him to be at home. She said she'd misunderstood me and told me she wanted to keep him the whole day. She sounded a bit reluctant but I just don't want him to be stuck in a sterile metal box for 3+ days.
I came to work, hoping to keep busy and my mind focused on other things. I can't help but want to flesh out this blog post while I'm not "in the moment" as I was earlier.
(this is rough draft - still in progress)
No comments:
Post a Comment