This morning I was feeling less than stellar and anxious about my doctor's appointments today. In my search to find a physician to prescribe the antidepressants, I kept running into one of two things: (a) the doctors weren't accepting new patients, or (b) they required that I go under their care for both psychotherapy as well as psychiatry. While I am not opposed to going that route, I also feel I've built a comfortable rapport with my counselor in just a few visits and was a little reluctant to "start over". I know that sometimes with this kind of care and treatment you might have to try more than one therapist to find someone you feel comfortable with and that provides the kind of feedback that is compatible with your personality. I was feeling a little discouraged by the process. In fact, the screeners at Aetna weren't quite of the caliber as the folks I spoke with at United Behavioral Health. The people I spoke to had a quality in their voice that just oozed "I don't really give a fuck." The way they read the names and phones numbers back annoyed me. When I asked to repeat the names or numbers, they read them back quickly again. The first person I spoke with rattled off 3 names all with the same phone number, obviously a clinic. I was feeling a little shy so I just accepted those as fine even though I should have spoken up and said that I wanted more variety.
I left a message for "new patient" person to return my call last week, Tuesday I think. I never heard back from her. I called back and left a second message finally, Wednesday. She called back that day saying she'd remembered my name but that I must have garbled the phone number or she wrote it down wrong. Then she informed me that the clinic required me to seek counselor through their office to qualify for the antidepressant treatment. I took a shot and contact my primary physician and met briefly with him today. I left his office with a prescription en-route electronically to my local Rite Aid, a relief.
I had a pretty good session with my counselor this afternoon. I felt the emotion lurk just below the surface when certain topics came up but I held it together as best I could. I just meandered around a variety of topics about my immediate concerns, worries, etc. We still haven't even delved into the family stuff. Overall it wasn't a bad session but I know better that I need to lead the discussions. When I wait for her feedback she doesn't have a ton to offer but I realize she's there to help me in my discovery. I tried hard to not be selective or omissive although it's one of the challenges I face with getting treatment. It's tough for us smart people :)
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I'm looking forward to my date with M on Sunday. We're going to dinner at a fancy restaurant. I'm not sure if I'll get dressy or what, probably something nicer than jeans and t-shirt (I'm being facetious). I might even check with M to see what she's wearing. I imagine some dark pants and button-up shirt will be appropriate and look good. I feel comfortable in that kind of outfit and know I can look pretty good when I want to.
I went to see a show last week with her and her friends at the Roseland. A couple months ago she miraculously had a sizable bill forgiven by the payee. As a result she was inspired to pay-it-forward and treat her friends and family to whatever happens to come up. She took a group of people to see Conan O'Brien in Eugene for his The Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour. She also got tickets for a group of friends to see DeVotchKa.
She would not take cash for the ticket so I offered to make her dinner or take her somewhere. She responded, opting for dinner out somewhere. A couple of years ago when we were hanging out (briefly), we talked about going to Clyde's on NE Sandy; Prime Rib, wine, intimate booths, castle-theme with suits of armor. So that's where we're going. I made reservations already.
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