This week has been okay but I'm still struggling a bit with my emotions. I was able to get back into the routine of work that was somewhat disrupted last week by my unscheduled time off; probably too much time at home away from people. Needing human contact but feeling guilty that I needed to spend as much time as I could with my cat who I seriously thought I was going to have to put to sleep (gulp) this week.
I had two sessions with my counselor this week. It's hard for me to articulate what exactly is bubbling to the surface sometimes. I feel like there are two parts of me in constant conflict with each other, the rational side and the emotional side. The emotional side seems to be getting the upper hand in many cases. I don't like the feeling of sadness that wells up.
I don't feel like my Tuesday visit was all that productive. I was still on an uptick following a pretty good visit to Brawley and feeling like a had somewhat of a reprieve with my cat, his condition has improved a lot. Before I knew it, the 1hr session was over and it seemed like I was all over the place topically. It kind of deflated me a little.
The next two days were mostly okay.. but I did seem to slip back into my dark thinking.
I went to the Yonder Mountain String Band show at the Crystal Ballroom. I wasn't sure if I was going to run into B & H but I saw them in line and later inside. K & K also showed up for the show. K and B had scheduled B's bachelor party for the same weekend as Sasquatch. I know Memorial Day weekend was optimal for the occasion but I wish they'd asked if there were any conflicts and maybe done it a different weekend or at least asked me so I didn't feel like an afterthought invitee. I was kind of surprised that Bryan suggested I bail on the 3-day festival and ditch JT whom I've known for about 20 yrs. I told him "you know I can't do that" (a little annoyed).
Seeing the band just wasn't the same as going to String Summit in the summertime. I kind of didn't want to be there but the rational side was pushing me to get out and do things. I know it will get easier with time. I've been feeling very isolated and always struggled with the feeling that I can't connect with people. I feel like I immerse myself in all sorts of cool things and have lots of great hobbies and interests but it rarely translates into friendships or more.
Anyway, back at the Crystal Ballroom: I was standing on the non-bar side of the room next to the partition, grooving a little, trying my best to get into the vibe of the place. I made eye contact with this girl who was standing on the bar-side next to the partition. She held her gaze for more than a couple "beats". I looked up and smiled a little then we both looked away. After awhile she moved into the crowd and I didn't think much about it. Toward the end of the 2nd set, I noticed her crossing to the non-bar side with someone. As she passed me, the grab my arm and squeezed it firmly then continued walking toward the stairs, leaving the show. It caught me off guard; it made me feel good.. it was a random connection with someone, albeit brief. I turned to look but she kept walking with her friend. It made me realize that I'm not as isolated as I think I am sometimes. I just need to be receptive and aware of more subtlety.
A couple of weeks ago, I was at the big Portland2010 opening at the Templeton building. I'd gone there with PM and while he was schmoozing I went to get a drink. I ran into BS who gave me a bunch of drink tickets. This cute girl walked by and said hello to him; they knew each other; they talked business for a second (something about sending the proofs over). When BS left she started flirting with me a bit, asking what I did for Disjecta and how long I'd known him. It was sort of a pseudo-celebrity moment I thought to myself. Then, one of the exhibiting artists (JN) came up and said hello. I was pretty stoked.. two cute chicks were chatting ME up! I didn't immediately recognize JN but had met her at a Disjecta thing about a month earlier.. it was nice to be recognized. Anyway, I kind of blew it with the first girl by not trying to talk to her more but I enjoyed the flirting. I was a little embarrassed that her name had escaped me not long after we met. I was trying to find BS so he could refresh my memory.
Anyway, these two occasions came up today in my session. I sometimes forget that I'm a pretty kick ass dude. I just need to be less shy.. not an ass.. but more confident because it works to bridge the gap. I've struggled with being shy for a long time. (I remember going to high school dances with my friend Curt. we were WAY TOO COOL to actually go in but were compelled to make an appearance outside the school gym.) But back to the last two occasions where I had positive interactions with cute girls; it's a start. I really do want the deeper connection but I also just want to feel like I can enjoy myself and not be so myopic about things.
I did get rather emotional again at today's session.. there were moments that I could barely get the words out. My counselor said at one point "you feel alone, don't you?" That was tough to hear and acknowledge. I just nodded "yes" and struggled to keep my composure. She said that I was exhibiting the signs of major depression. Those were tough words to hear but also a relief to have someone besides my mom say it out loud. She recommended I seek a psychiatrist and look into going on some kind of antidepressant. Part of me wanted to handle things my own way and I thought psychotherapy would be enough but I think some meds will go a long way to making the lows less severe and allow me to enjoy the things I do more. I need a little jumpstart.
I just had my last consultation with my advisor from the Mayo Clinic.. a lifestyle coach.. he was basically just some guy in the midwest who I committed to verbally to make some improvements to my diet, exercise and general well-being. I had some rough spots but I think the most important change has been to be proactive about the things that "ail" me. I have improved my diet and cut out a lot of crap. I've lost some weight, am eating more fruits and vegetables. I brought my first Crock pot and made taco soup! I'm actively going to the dentist after not going for a long time. And most importantly, I'm seeing the counselor to help me adjust and cope with my emotional challenges and depression.
I want to find the silver lining and try to view these changes are growing pains and another transition. My blog post entitled "My journey of growth" is really a testament to my ability to forge my own way and blaze a few trails.
I told a good friend not too long ago "I think I forget sometimes or that I can change something instead of embracing it" It's tough being me sometimes but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm proud that I don't fit into a mold and that I have such breadth and depth. I know things will work out in the end.. it's just tough sometimes.
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