The journey, not the destination

Struggle (from "365 Tao" #130 for Northern Hemisphere)

            Life acquires meaning
            When we face the conflict
            Between our desires
            And reality.

     We all have differing personalities vying for predominance in our lives. Some come out at just the right moment. At other times, our aspirations and our fondest hopes find little support in our environment. Only a few can truly say that they are living their lives exactly according to their desires. For the majority of us, life is a series of conflicts between our inner ideas and outer constrictions. How will we test ourselves against the flexing of external circumstances?
     Goals are important. Forbearance is also important. But the very process of struggle is equally essential. Rice must undergo the hardship of pounding in order to become white. Steel must endure the forge in order to become strong. Adversity is the tempering of one's mettle. Without it, we cannot know any true meaning in our accomplishments. Of course, when things happen without struggle, it does not mean that we did not deserve it.
     A musician may compose a brilliant piece in an afternoon. An artist will dash off a masterpiece in a single sitting. A writer will write significant passages as if they were dictated. Each might say, "It happened so fast!" But in reality, it took all of them years of dedication and struggle to come to that moment of climax. Thus even the virtuoso performance is the tip of a lifetime of struggle, and the gem of meaning is set in the metal of long perseverance.

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Last night I saw Mike’s Incredible Indian Adventure at PCS's Ellyn Bye Studio at the Gerding Theater. It really struck a chord with me as it was the culmination of the writer/performer's struggle of the last 10+ years to produce a film. It was a play about a film about a play. The writer's father had been a staff writer for the The Monkees and he wanted to follow in his father's footsteps but had most of his professional experience on stage productions.

He was 38 years old, stuck in a "golden cage", a decent day job but not fulfilling his dream. He was presented with an opportunity to stage direct an adaptation of Neil Simon's They're Playing Our Song in a four city run in India. He was very skeptical but saw an opportunity to record the process, documentary-style. Although the show was well-received at first, ultimately the reviews and his interactions with a family in the upper caste in Delhi were quite negative. Some of the "key" moments behind-the-scenes were never captured on the documentarian's camera, leaving holes in his perceived "story". 

Once back in the States he continued to pursue his idea to find the "movie" in the footage. He met and interviewed many Indian-Americans, hoping to weave together a cohesive idea from over 100 hours of footage. Despite the volume of source material, he could never seem to coalesce a theme to pull it all together. Various themes did emerge but none that he felt were his "movie". 

After over ten years of trying and ultimately settling back into the 9-5, he was left with the footage but not idea.... until he began to put together this performance. At the end of the performance, these 100s of tapes that he'd stacked high on the stage came crashing to the floor and he was left kind of where he started. There was a moment of clarity that all was not lost, the source material had found a vehicle, this play. There was even a broadcast quality video camera which was pointing at the stage and the images it captured shown on a large screen.. a kind of infinity.. the play inside the movie, inside the play, inside the movie, etc. The theme: it's the journey, not the destination.

The fact that the writer/performer had started the journey we were witnessing unfold when he was 38 was poignant, me being the same age now. He referenced Orson Welles who had directed Citizen Kane at age 24, reflecting that he felt he was passed his prime.

I feel like I'm in a similar place in life, witnessing but not exactly participating in the life I want. I look back at the things I've created (music, films, acting, writing) and am proud of what I've done but feel like I've somehow missed my chance. I greatly admire David Lynch and his career, having done his first feature-length film Eraserhead while at the American Film Institute at age 26, and Nigel Godrich, who engineered Radiohead's quintessential album OK Computer at age 26. Both have since become two of my generation's greatest producers, David in film, Nigel in music. 

Upon reflection I know that the things I've done are plot points along my journey through life. Each step brings me forward, perhaps toward a destination somewhere beyond, perhaps not, time will tell. Where I'm at now is certainly not it. As I wrote before, I'm proud of the accomplishments I've made in my career and am glad I persevered when others told me to "try something else". Recently I was granted another nice raise in salary and get validation that I'm still on the right track. 

I really do want to write and direct a film someday. I feel my background in many disciplines is all preparation for the opportunity that has yet to manifest. I also know you have to work at it and actively pursue your goal but as it says above it takes "years of dedication and struggle to come to that moment of climax."

I also recall at show I saw at the Portland Art Museum featuring the works of Grandma Moses who really didn't achieve much commercial success until about age 85. 

Not that commercial success necessarily equates actual achievement, I remember seeing a performance/lecture by my friend Andrew Dickson during PICA TBA'07 (who I met in 2003 while we were involved in the Modern Zoo art exhibition; he, an artist, me, a volunteer) called Sell Out. He talks about the mentality of DIY artists who claim to not want to sell out and stay true to their craft and to keep it real. In reality, we (artists) do want the chance to be recognized on broader scale, to reach audience far beyond our own backyard and to ultimately get paid for our lifetime of struggle.

I know this post is meandering a bit.. so I'll get back to the present struggle I'm facing.

I feel I've reached another crossroad of sorts. I have a lot of great tools for creativity at my fingertips but somehow inert to move forward. I can't help think that my current state of mind is related to this lack of will, lack of ideas. My focus has shifted to things I cannot control and I feel powerless. Inherently I know my ideas and my creative energy is all that I can control, and that I'm only momentarily clouded by my intense yearning to share my life with someone. I want to get back that vitality that drew us together in the first place.

Thus far I've not been successful to find a doctor to prescribe the antidepressants that will help me out of this state of loneliness and fear of what may or may not happen in my personal life. Today I did make an appointment with my primary doctor for this Friday; I have another session with my counselor as well.

Some days are better than others. I was pleased to make contact with an old friend who just moved to Portland. We did music together in San Diego and she knows well about struggle and perseverance. I'm also inspired by a friend and her writing, both journaling and creative work. 

I'm hopeful that positive change is coming soon and I'll find my voice once again. Stay tuned!