I'm feeling a little melancholic tonight. I had another dream a couple nights ago that I can't seem to shake. The essence is that I was trapped; nothing I did could break me out.
I sensed the will to even try was waning, like I was settling into an acceptance of being stuck. It's like there were two people but both of them me. The dreamer observing myself in this situation and not being able to help. And the one in the dream that couldn't escape.
Keith and my mom were also key players in the dream. Keith was coming down hard on me for some reason and had ordered me to stay in this room. It didn't look like any bedroom I'd had growing up but it felt like mine in the dream. There was nothing in there that was personal though.. it was just a bed, a couple of nightstands, a door and windows.. the curtains were pulled. they were thick and didn't let any light through. it was impossible to know what time it was or how long I'd been in there. I just had this heavy feeling.
I remember this encounter with Keith in the room. He had come to chew me out about something. I sensed extreme disappointment.. like that time in hardware store where he said I'd burned my bridges as far as he was concerned. I can't imagine what I'd done but he wasn't gonna let it happen again. I felt like I was an adult but being suspended like parents would do as a kind as punishment for a teenager. No TV, no guitar, nothing.. just think about what you did.
At one point I did get out. I think I managed to crawl out the window. I found myself in a place that looked the street I lived on in Ocean Beach on Long Branch, though the house I stopped at was not any place I remember, at least structurally. It had an enclosed porch with benches or chairs. This locale was so bright and sunny. It was familiar but I had an impending feeling, anxiety. Like I was gonna get caught.. not being in my dark room.
The next thing I knew I was back in the dark room. Keith was furious at me again. My mom seemed impotent to do anything. She just stood there (almost complicitly) while Keith berated me for my latest infraction..
I woke up from the dream a couple times and looked around.. I recognized I was here in Portland.. but when I went back to sleep I found myself back in that room. It grew more and more hopeless.
It's been a few days and I can still picture the room and the sunny house..
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I certain conjures a sense of being alone… an only child.. no dad or step dad.. being adopted.. not knowing what's going to happen... I'm usually okay but certain things seem to trigger the feeling like the rug is going to pulled out from under me again! It's hard sometimes to find the strength, I think I just suppress it.. I try to be calm and collected (even if sometimes it's only on the outside) but when I get those sinking feelings. doubt.. I want to be a ballast for others but who will be mine? I sometimes wish I didn't feel anything at all.. maybe it would be easier to get by that way.. but feel nothing? It's not who I am. I don't know.. I guess you can't have the good without the bad.. sometimes it feels like a curse, other times a blessing - I seem to feel the same (or at least similar) degree of sadness as happiness. I've had some of the happiest moments in the last few months, but also some of the most heartbreaking moments..
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