Hope Depleting

 
As we've all been self-quarantining these past few weeks, the effects of the isolation are becoming more and more evident. I've spent the last 10 months in relative isolation as I deal with arthritis and radical changes to behavior and diet. One year ago, I was depressed, drinking several beers each and every day, smoking, subsisting on a poor diet.

When I started taking the drug for RA (methotrexate), I knew I had to stop drinking to save my liver, stop smoking to save my lungs. I took a programming class over the summer to bolster my skills and give me an emotional boost. It worked for awhile but as we transitioned into Q4 the jobs I was even remotely qualified for began to noticeably dwindle. I went into a December hibernation as I dealt with an unknown pulmonary illness (*not Covid-19) for about a month. I held out hope that Q1 would bring fresh opportunities. That was partly true but there weren't a fewer number of openings I'd been hoping for.

My optimism began to improve as I got involved in the wide variety of tech meetups and networking opportunities. The last event I attended was a day-long ProductCamp at PSU.

Then, Covid-19 hit a critical level across the globe.

I've been trying to divert myself by spreading laughter and silly pictures on Facebook, remembering past travels on Instagram. It was good to get some human interaction by talking with my mom on the phone, visiting my local bar to buy sandwiches from their takeout window, trying to let go of the things I cannot change.

I reached out to an old friend that I've known since college. We always used to have a frank conversation about life, family, etc, no filter. When I quit my job in 2018 and went on a road trip, a stop to see him and his family was at the top of the list. My text conversation was not what I had hoped. I really don't blame him. We've grown apart. He has a family to think about. I know this is taking a toll on folks in ways we can't imagine. We used to joke about heading to a mountain cabin somewhere when 'shit goes down'. Well, shit is going down but escaping somewhere is not remotely realistic. I can't abandon my mom. He can't pick up his family and leave to seek some idealized fantasy about living 'off the grid'. I get that.

I lobbed a softball question asking about how the scene was in his area. I shared my situation (jobless, RA) with him and that it was 'shit show'. He response was dry and short. "Stay safe". Certainly not the filter-free honestly I had hoped for. Again I don't blame him but I feel a distance that I thought wouldn't come between us. I haven't been the greatest friend over the years, mostly due to my own depression and erecting a wall around myself; we lived across the street from each but seldom hung out, which I regret. However, my last visit in May 2018 was great, short and sweet, brothers from another. I hope it just my stress during this crisis and that nothing has changed but my perception, temporarily.

It just makes me sad. We're all doing the best we can but it feels like 'divided we fall'. Before coronavirus, I faced losing my home, my healthcare. This is gasoline on a dumpster fire. I fear for real societal (social, economic) collapse fueled by the already divisive climate that has cast a shadow over this country since Trump was elected.

I fear for the emotional breakdown of loved ones (friends and family).

I'm trying to stay strong. It's hard.