My journey of growth

I think I can mark when I really started to grow into the person I am today.. to 1998-99. When I took a huge risk and went after what i wanted..

THE SETUP

After my dad died and Keith left, I started a downward spiral that I didn't know how I was going to pull out of. I transitioned into a severe state of denial, trying to counsel and support my mom but not dealing with my own emotions from loosing both my dad and step-dad literally in the same week. I moved suddenly out of my apartment at the beach with Matt and Matt and into my own place near school. It was about about year before I hit a wall emotionally and my world came crashing down.. I'd essentially flunked out of college, I'd burned through my inheritance and really didn't have anything to show for it.

I was forced to move into a tiny bedroom with my mom. That was a terrible time for me.. I did produce some interesting works of creativity.. I'm most proud of my poetry & writing and music and video projects.. I had started working in an office job. It was a good gig and place where I grew but it wasn't me. (I did make some amazing friends.. I still keep in touch with many of them).. it was stressful living under my mom's roof.. I remember trying to time things so I could go home and take care of stuff (feed the cat, change clothes, etc) then leave before my mom got home from work.. I'd stay out late most nights (usually the coffee shop on Cass St) When I would eventually go home I'd sit outside in my truck and wait if her bedroom light was on. I'd wait awhile after the light went out and hope she'd fallen asleep so I could come inside without having to talk. (it makes me feel awful just remembering that time.)

Eventually I moved out and into Matt's old place on Long Branch. I started making more music with Justin and Cheryl.. Even though Matt have moved across the street I keep to myself. It wasn't a great time either.. I regret not interacting with Matt more..

CHANGING COURSE

I was still working at the office job and had been granted more responsibility. One day I saw a tiny newspaper ad..the ad was for a certification class through San Diego State.. it was a lot of money but I knew it would take me in a new direction.. I'd never owned a PC until I meant my friend and her (now) husband who sold me my first custom-built Windows machine.. (my previous computer experience involved very basic stuff on my Mac Classic, the classes at SDSU and building the band's website at a coffee shop by UCSD which charged by the hour).

The eight-week course introduced me to several development tools. There was another class that I was interested in taking in web development. My future boss Julian had reached out to the course admin if there were any students interested in a temp job. The class lead my to my job with BlueMountain greeting cards. And i made friends with Jean who I worked on the film with. I was able to take a leave from my job to take the 5-week Web Admin class.

At Blue Mountain I overcame a lot of obstacles and persevered.. I'd grown from a simple QA tester to the lead QA and even took on some webmaster duties.. I recall the web master putting up quite a lot of resistance to even having me learn a little. I survived a couple rounds of layoffs and eventually I moved into my old boss' office. The nay-sayers were gone. My role continued to grow as the staff contracted to a minimal crew.. I made some great friends there too whom I'm still in contact with. Unfortunately we all got laid off. I was up here in Portland scouting apartments within a week.. and had my stuff packed up within three weeks..

I struggled to find work for quite awhile.. luckily I got my job with Starfall as a result of the friendships I'd formed at Blue Mountain.. It still wasn't enough to be full time and pay the bills but it was good to have something to keep me busy and not have too wide of a gap in my resume and employment history.. I was able to keep my skills exercised. I did some interviews with Intel and HP but nothing came to fruition. I finally landed the Xerox gig.. I learned some great skills and met my friend who got me the job at TechTracker.. I overcame a lot of obstacles and persevered there.. I grew into a lead QA. As fate would have it we were bought by CNET and CNET was bought by CBS. I was resistant at first to reporting to a boss in another city but over the last couple of years, she's been a huge ally and helped propel me forward in my career.

OTHER HOBBIES

I landed in the opera because I had volunteered with one of the chorus men. He told me who to contact to be a super.. I met the stage management crew and started a friendship and working relationship.

I also got involved with the art organization formerly called PCAC.. I read an article in a new defunct magazine called the Organ.. I thought it'd be a good way to meet people.. I eventually took on web developer role. I made some great friends.. It's where I met Jo Ann, Paul, Gavin, Bryan and a host of others.. I got to participate in the Modern Zoo and make history with the art scene here in Portland in 2003. I also got to showcase a lot of skills beside twiddling on the computer.. I got to setup the gallery spaces.. manage events.. I even got to mix The (fucking) Shins in a live gig. Amazing.

I've worked for Disjecta in various capacities since then. Mostly on the web development side but it's great to have continued my work and friendships there. I've enjoyed working in the different spaces they inhabited.

I also am fortunate to be able to support Gallery Homeland though my role has been minimal for the last few years..

I met Alyssa who recommended me for a leadership role for the first TBA festival in 2003. That lead to my volunteering with PICA and future TBA festivals. (I've done the house manager gig every year except 2006 when I was on the road in California). I developed great friendships and working relationships with the PICA staff.

I've continued to do operas as a super and I also got an opportunity to work at the Hampton studio for a PICA event.. I've gotten to know and work with the staff over the years.. and the current stage manager and her crew.

LOOKING BACK

I was my own inertia kept me stagnant and listless.

The decision to make a radical change in course was scary but it really triggered a series of events that really propelled me to where I am today… it has been an incredible journey.. I didn't know it at the time.. but in hindsight it's quite amazing.

I feel I hit a bump in the road emotionally but I know I'll eventually get back on track.. I got some great musical tools last summer and have only just begun to delve into being creative again.. it's hard to force it but I know that with writing .. you have to write everyday even if it sucks and you don't want to.. It's just about putting one foot forward and taking the step.. I'm really hurting this week. I had to make a hard choice about a relationship and say some tough things.. I do hold out hope that it will be the right jolt.. and I can continue things but if it doesn't I have to be okay with that too. I just need to find a way.. writing this helps me remember that things I've overcome and triumphed in..

that's all for now. Thanks for reading.